I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
