I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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