I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
