Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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