So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
