I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
