Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
