Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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