just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
