no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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