i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
When did angry sex become our thing?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think your dad took our porno
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
