I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
