It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
