Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
