The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
