just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
