If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
