who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
