i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
