Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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