I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
