Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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