there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
