There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
