dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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