oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
