we have pet lesbian snakes
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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