my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
