i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
