so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
