I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
