Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
