I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
