Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
