My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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