so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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