Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
