Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
