whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
