I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
