Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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