That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
