Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
