What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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