Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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