If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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