If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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