I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
