I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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