Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
