OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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